Sunday, April 27, 2008

what's the answer?

white chocolate mocha, grande for rhea?

"good morning", a barista on the counter greeted me as i exchange it with a fancy smile. "hi, one white chocolate mocha grande please" sobbingly nodded "make it extra hot, (again with a smile)". "one white chocolate mocha extra hot for rhea". i handed a 500 peso bill to the cashier, and look around to find a couch, how i wish i have one in the house. a couch where i can lay down when i'm tired, seat and dream, talk and talk until all stories will be foretold. as the hot mocha was being handed to me, i sprinkled it with chocolate and cinnamon powder, uhmmmm, yummy, sweet again another calories more fat to burn this coming weekend.
as i sit down in the couch, watch the people passing by and through, recall what had happened yesterday. still in a deep blue atmosphere asking myself, "why? what's wrong with it? is it correct (definitely and absolutely wrong)". well a single or two quiet days in a very subtle and relax place will do but after that what else?

yes, truly God is the only and ultimate answer for all of this. i should just get down on my knees, fold my hands, closed my eyes, deeply cry out to God and boom everything will be alright. take a deep breathe, believe in my heart God is in charge, let go and let God. Learn to forgive people who had hurt me for I cannot move on if I keep on looking back and back and back.... I should move on with my eyes focused on what lies ahead of me. Get in touch with the Lord, spend a quality time with Him and rely on Him at all times.

God help me, change my lifestyle that it would always give glory to your name.

how are you?

Smile or frawn?
will i choose to be happy or sad?

well, hello here i am again blogging to release my emotions. I hate to tell this but I'm not really ok today. I may smile at you but deep inside of me I know I am not okey. Why just people doesn't seem to understand and weigh things out? Why can't you understand that I can't do it to go there at your brother's house and eat some food but face to face they are mocking you. I can't stand to see you being mocked, yes they are your family your "real brothers" but do they act of it? i mean do they care if you're hurt. they just tell things they don't seem to understand, they don't seem to appreciate... i'm so tired of them. if ever you'll find a way to see this blog and read this, I just hope that you'll made to realize my point. I don't want to let them see that we are begging our bread to them. Yes you'll just spend Php 200 or less but the feelings, the perception, the principles can you just weight it out????.... I don't care what or how they think of me, I know I'm just doing this to protect my dignity as your partner, and to protect you as well na hindi tayo aasa sa kanila. I know it's a pride within me but I'm so tired na baka pagdating ng panahon isumbat nila ang lahat ng tinulong nila sa atin. Siguro it would be necessary for them to let them realize there is something wrong between me and your "real brother". I guess I'm out of the problem, and I believe I'm right at this point. I know I can't blame you because you also wanted to be with them now go your way, do what you want but don't let me in. I'll stay home, I don't want to hear their side comments for its nothing to me. It won't help me anyway.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

my dreams

feeling blue.... absolutely clueless on what i'm going to write today. tsk, tsk, oh well another beautiful day that God has given me, this is the day that the Lord has made. Each one of us, whether we admit it or not, have our own deepest dreams. When I was a young kid, I dreamed I would be a 'haciendera', where I would love to ride on a horse with a basket on its back full of fresh fruits and veggies with my daughter in front while our dad is giving instructions to our co-vineyard. As I grew up, it started to change. I'm no longer contented in being a 'haciendera', I started to see myself owning a prestige resto in front of a large blue view of a white sand beach with me seating on the couch watching seabirds fly, sipping a hot mocha on my lips, feeling the summer breeze of the beach as it blows my long soft and brown hair. I wish I had that kind of lifestlye. I know and believe deep inside of me it will going to happen. It's not merely because of what I can do, or what I know but what I believe is that God watches over all of my ways. That if I am willingly surrender and offer Him my life, obey Him at all times then blessings will overflow so much so that I can become a channel of His blessings.

Well, at this moment, I can tell you that God has blessed me. At this young age, God has entrusted me as a steward of His blessings - in my work. I know I'm still an employee, but I want to love the place where I am right now. I know God is preparing me to do great things for Him. You see if I can employ people, I'm helping them build their lives and dreams. I know it will come along the way for I believe nothing can change God's unconditional love for me. He can't afford to see me begging for my bread, for His sons and daughters are inheritors of His vast and unlimited resources. He is indeed an all knowing, all powerful and all present God.

While I am an employee, I will grab every opportunity to learn. To explore. To think. To appreciate. To maximize everything that they are entrusting me to do. I know as it goes along, it would help me for the realization of my dreams. I don't want to get that rich and famous if I will forget the Lord, but neither I don't want to become poor that I will come to a point where will I curse God because of lack. I want to live a middle life - a life that pleases my Savior, after all that's where life is all about.

So God help me. I believe that You who had begun a good work in me will be faithful to complete it in me. Thank You Lord.

Monday, April 21, 2008

why can't they realize?

hi, its been a tough time for me today. last night i went with my mother's house and i have noticed that she is crying, she got teary eyed my heart sob when i see her sad and disappointed. again its because of my sisters. Oh! God I wish I had a simple life and that I don't have problems like these. But let me just tell you the story. It's all about their debts left and right , (gosh I can't live with debts) and they are pressuring my mom to borrow for them. Sana man lang naisip nila ung kahihiyan na aabutin ni nanay sa oras na mag palaya sila sa pagbabayad. I can't tell it to them directly for I dont have the position to do so, all I can do is to cry out to God. So right this morning I began to pray for 15 min just for my family. Lord I can't bear it anymore, please help me. I didn't know what to do, I want to help my mom and to release her from this. God bless me that much so that I can become a blessing.

Thank you and make me brand new everyday!

Thursday, April 17, 2008

hu cares for me?

hu cares for me when....
1. im down
2. im lonely and crying
3. nobody understands
4. i can't thresh out my real feelings
5. im abandoned
6. im late
7. im pressured
huh?!!! tsk, tsk, well it really happens to me sometimes when i find ways to relax, i always ponder on how my life is, how will it be within the next few years of my life. i wish i had it all, money, fame, power, influence, beauty (oppps i have it pala... hehhehee). i might not have it all for God knows if i have it then I wont be needing Him but that's not what I want - a life with Jesus simple, elegant, blessed and highly favored what more can I ask for? I know God had taught me how to be contented whether in lack or in full. why am i feeling or writing like this? (that's what blogging is all about - an outlet) put all your fingers on your keyboard, start to run the dictionary in your head....huh!???? God teach me more to live a life that pleasing you. I dont want to live a miserable life, help me to live it in Your fullest.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

good morning

ohayo gozaimasu! ogenki desu ka. its a great morning today, i just woke up that i felt that my hours of sleep is complete, usually almost everyday i've only got 4-5 hours of sleep, i know, i know its not good for my health but what can i do. my travel time for work is 2 hours including the heavy traffic in the south expressway. i just eat plenty of fruits, veggies and drink at least 2 liters of water everyday. yeah its sound so weird but its a secret to avoid kidney stones and other related complications.
well its good that i arrive office @9:03 at least i'm in before the leway lapsed. hehehehe turned on the computer, log to ym, log to skype, check company emails (ows????????) and started to train my trainees. mahirap palang magturo kasi you;ve got to put your shoes into their shoes, minsan kailangang magcontrol ng emotions hehehehehehhe pero gud thing natutunan ko na un ngayon. ang almusal ko nga pala today is paksiw na isda and sinangag ang sarap grabe na ito.... parang gusto ko pa nga ng salted eggs kaso walang mabilhan eh. kaya un na lang.
para rin gusto kong magcoffee pero parang nakakakadik na ata ang mahal tapos isang baso lang grabe pero pangrelax ko lang un madalas sa anabel lee ako, masarap sila magtimpla and in fairness mura sila, sa susunod na blog ko pipilitin ko nang english lahat. i need to educate myself with this. sige matatpos naung lunch break need to get back to work mamaya ulit...after office hours see u.

it's me

well, i know its been a long time ago since i've started blogging...gosh, its almost 5 months ago, been busy for this past few months. well last december i've got a terrible month somehow that i felt so depressed, abandoned - feeling that im no good at all. Thank God, I'm restored back again. Lord help me to do your will at all times so that my life wont be in misery. I might suggest to myself focus on what is ahead of me, what's my life purpose, is it inclined to God's blueprint in my life or in my own way ( hehehhehe sometimes i try to live on my own way , but a lot of times i failed) yeah, its for sure when you follow Jesus wholeheartedly, you can't ask for more. because its been given to you every single concern that i have right now, it might be small or big, but in God's eyes I am a victor and not a victim, im no longer defeated for God has fight the battles for me. I may face challenges - giant as they can be, but I have a one true bestfriend, my Savior, my life, my everything - it's Jesus. People might see me as weird, over acting, but I just fell in love with Jesus.

well as what i have promised to my last post, i will introduce myself who am I? ehemmm... im a simple person with a true heart, that's what andrew masters told me, i've got a true heart, when im happy it can be clearly seen in my eyes, my moves, my words. when im sad, and im feeling blue well step back, cause i wont care even if you make yourself a clown in front of me. if im sad, i always go inside my room, ponder on things - cry and cry until tears cease to flow. hehehehe im not good in english but not that bad. before im very shy type of person, taht even i cannot look to your eyes directly or even introduce myself in a big crowd, when i made accomplishments i dont want people to brag about me, i believe its for me to know but for you to find out. but things has changed, i started to open my world and connect it to others. im no longer afraid of being rejected, i started to make decisions for myself, i started to learn and discover the real me. well, i found out that i can work and produce outputs even if the situation is very hard. i can still produce good outputs even if the soil is dry, i can make possible routes to come up with an optimum solution to solve the problem... am i getting closer to my introduction? hehehehhe well im just one of a kind, seriously loving Jesus, a consistent dean's lister on my college days, started as a coffee maker to become a senior and professional programmer.... i have my humble beginnings in my career, but i thank God though im humbled at that times but God has put me into a higher level. im happily married but still got no kids in due time God will provide me too hehehehhe in His perfect time i cannot questioned it, for it is from Him comes life, for he is the Author of Life.
i believe in Jesus, taht He died for my sins, that Jesus paid the price of shame and death for me, i came to know the Lord JEsus Christ at one of greater manila conference youth camp though my parents were born-again christian since birth i still do have a great encounter with God. at first when i was kid, i view life as simpler, eat and sleep then play then just the almost same routine everyday. i started going to scvhool at 6, doesnt even know and distinguish the color "green" and the answer to my math test 5 + 4, cant perfectly write the letter M or N, always being scolded by my father if i didnt get the lessons correctly and easily - in short less brain during early school days. hehehehehe ill just continue telling u my story on my next post- i got to go i need to sleep for ill be at office tom @9am.... see you.