Today, I choose to be late at the office. I choose to stay a little longer at our house to spend time singing and worshiping Jesus. My heart is hurt again because I was laughed at when I am explaining my side to my team mates. I felt that I am not important, though it was their fault why I reacted so bad, but still they were not able to realized it.
Yesterday, I did not get any tasks from our sprint backlog. I let them realize how I've felt when they acted like they don't care if we can't burn stories for the day. So what I did I hold the grudge in my heart against them - the whole day. I don't talk a lot and mind them. I remained to be on a state of 'uncaring, unlovable, unforgiving'. But it wasn't good. It was me who is much greatly affected.
So, today I woke up late. I prepared myself for work neglecting to read my Bible and just uttered a little prayer for the sake of doing it regularly. But without my heart. Without my real desire to come to God and lay down my crowns, my failures, fears, struggles and even my grudges.
Good thing that Patrick is late. So I decided that we'll just take a cab going to the office. Though it will be expensive but I would rather spend time with God than to be miserable the whole day, again? After all, it was just money which God can provide.
This song that I played over the internet (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P6_T29ZaxyE) carries the encouragement that I needed for such a time as this. I was reminded that God loves me, God takes care of me. He won't let me go for He hold my world in His hands. I love to know and be reminded once in a while how great, how vast is His love for you and me.
I sang the song a couple of times with my arms raising towards heaven. Uttered a prayer and shouted to God the insides of my heart. I love this moment and I missed it for quite long time ago. Truly, there is healing and strength in the presence of God. I love to hear that God loves me and that God will never never never abandoned me and leave me. He won't turned His back from me; He's always there. He remained faithful.
"Lord, salamat sa sobra sobrang pagmamahal mo na kahit nagkaganito ako, nagkulang sa Iyo, nagkamali, nag malaki, nde naging mapagpatawad, nde nagpakita ng pagmamahal ngunit salamat dahil andun pa rin ang pagmamahal mo. As the song goes, 'I confess You are my righteousness...' yes I cannot change myself, only God can. Thank you for changing me and molding me on the way you want me to be. I cannot love, I cannot forgive with my own strength so help me God...I love You Lord."